Advice For Parents

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Amy Winehouse's death, 6 tips for parents to monitor children's addictions. 


No one can predict for certain the future or even whether genetics show that one child is at a higher risk of becoming an alcoholic than another child, and there is no sure fire way to prevent its onset or know if a prediction will even come into fruition.

Notwithstanding, it may be helpful, for parents to be vigilant and step in and do whatever they can to curb, suppress or head off a path towards addiction.  The alternative is to ignore warning signs, do nothing and just deal with it if and when it comes. No parent wants to go through what Amy Winehouse’s did and have to cope with the loss of a child.

Here are a few suggestions for parents to consider to stay one step ahead of a potential addiction problem:

1. Be aware: Watch for early signs that a child exhibits obsessive behavior or an unnatural or excessive craving and desire for one activity or object (e.g. to play video games, eat, watch tv) and shows extreme reaction of being deprived of that activity or object.
 
2. Stay Active: Know the children that your kids associate with, befriend and are influenced by. Sharing meals together and taking an active role in school help to know who your child interacts with.  Dinner time is an opportune to probe, ask questions and discover what’s going on in you childrens’ lives.  A Study from the Center of Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, in New York found that teens are more likely to abuse drugs when family dinners are infrequent.  Also, by volunteering in the school, parents get a first hand  chance to examine and witness for themselves the type of kids in the school and to discover if their children are hanging around those who may be into sinister activities.

3. Engage in healthy alternatives: Keep your children active in sports or some other type of activity or club that takes up their time and leave them little opportunity hang around and get into trouble.  Also, playing sports releases natural endorphins that can simulate euphoria.  They create a natural high and can eliminate the need or interest in artificial ones.  Kids involved in sports usually have to be physically fit and unimpaired in order to perform.  Many athletic children avoid alcohol, drugs, excessive eating or other negative behaviors that can impair their physical fitness. 

4. Set boundaries:  Establish consistent limits.   Forcing a child to engage in activities in moderation will teach them to shift focus and attention elsewhere over the course of a day and minimizes opportunities for a child to become addicted to it. Children need boundaries in order to function and learn self-control.  They can also help later in avoiding or resisting developing an addiction.

5. Monitor online activities:  Teenagers do have rights to privacy, but they do not have the right to peruse illegal websites or sites that promote illegal activity. Parents’ rights to monitor, police and keep children from harm trump their kids’ rights to be free from parental snooping.  Parents may want to invest in tracking software that helps them monitor what sites their kids are watching.  If a parent learns, the teen is visiting sites that promote the use or purchase of illegal substances, alcohol or other vices, the parent can step in sooner before a curiosity or early use turns into hardcore addiction.

6. Seek outside counseling or help: If you suspect your child may be using drugs, is withdrawn, forgetful, letting his grades slip and exhibit all the early signs of substance abuse, get help early. It’s easy in our busy lives as parents to willfully overlook changes or dismiss them. 
In the battle against drugs, family members have an uphill battle and many lose. The earlier we take charge, the better our odds of defeating the addiction demon.

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Paramount Principle (sec 1 (1) 1989 Children Act

When a court determines any question with respect to a child's upbringing, administration of property or income, the child's welfare must be a paramount consideration.

 

Welfare Checklist (sec 1 (3) 1989 Children Act

If considering an opposed s.8 Order or Care or Supervision Order (including Interim Care and Supervision Orders), the court must have regard to the checklist of the:

 

  • Child's wishes and feelings;
  • Physical, emotional, educational needs;
  • Likely effect of change of circumstances;
  • Age, sex, background, relevant characteristics (this should include race, culture, religion and language);
  • Actual or potential harm;
  • Capability of parents/relevant others to meet the child's needs;
  • Capability of parents/relevant others to meet the child's needs;
  • Available range of powers.

 

 

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Child Contact Made Simple

By Kenn Griffiths

During and following separation and divorce kids need a great deal of love understanding and reassurance from both of their parents. Evidence shows that the majority of children want to continue to see people that matter to them. Pressure from the adults often stops them from feeling comfortable enough to express their true feelings. The best way of ensuring that you are doing everything possible to keep your children safe, well and happy is to make sure that they enjoy good quality contact and that means putting their needs before your own and making sure that they are encouraged to go to contact with their non-resident parent. Encouraged means just that! Simply agreeing to contact taking place is not enough. Children have to be continually reassured and actively helped to attend contact with their absent parent. Contact should be seen as a joyous occasion and not an anxiety filled adult led continuation of the parent’s dispute. All too often children are used as pawns... Contact can happen only if Dad pays his maintenance or Mum jumps through some emotional hoop etc etc. Unbelievable I know, but it happens all the time. One of the most effective ways of ensuring that you get contact right for your sons and daughters is to ask them what they want and to listen to them and then actively alter arrangements to suit their changing needs. This can only be done when both parents cooperate and that includes respecting each others views and opinions. (Something that was probably lacking in the marriage/relationship). Where possible avoid any sudden changes in the contact arrangements. Children need structure and stability. “A survey of 2,000 children aged six to eleven on contact with their fathers’ showed that they saw good contact as being:

  • Dads showing interest in their schooling
  • Preparing meals
  • Watching TV with them
  • Playing football
  • Reading them stories
  • Going shopping together and
  • Helping them through bad times

One child called it ‘messing about with dad, another ‘being loved’ by her dad. They did not see contact in terms of getting expensive toys, bikes, computers and holidays, but about having a relationship with and being ‘looked after’ by their parent” Time for Children CAFCASS.

This is exactly what children need and what good contact is really about. Don’t get drawn into the media stereo typical portrayal that parents don’t get contact right. Statistics show that “Only a small minority of parents use the law to sort out contact arrangements. A survey by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) found that around 1 in 10 parents had court orders. Between half and 60% agreed contact between themselves and between a fifth and a third had no agreed arrangements (resident and non-resident parent reports differ)” Child Contact With Non-resident Parents University of Oxford Department of Social Policy and Social Work.

Contact doesn’t just happen it has to be planned. Probably the most difficult contact to properly plan is staying contact, be it for one night or longer. Staying contact puts extra pressure on children. They have to adapt to a different household usually with different rules. Parents need to have agreement about routines. It helps if parents can be flexible and have an overall understanding of the difficulties.

Contact goes wrong:

  • When children are put at risk
  • When members of the family are not committed to contact
  • When contact is made a negative arrangement
  • When a parent has unreasonable opposition to contact or wants to significantly change the contact arrangements, but not for the child’s good...

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Dealing with difficult behaviour

It has been said that children are born with a brain that is nothing more than a ball of confusion, and that what the child experiences, especially in their early years, shapes and organises there thoughts, beliefs and behaviour.

Children are not born with behaviour they learn it! From you!!!

Basically, behaviour can be put into two categories, acceptable and un-acceptable. Parents need to know how to respond to and deal with both in equal measure. Showing children how happy they make you feel when they are operating in an acceptable manner helps to build their self-esteem and lets them know what is expected of them. Responding to their un-acceptable behaviour should be done in a way that shows them that what they are doing will not get them what they want, which is, a happy you. What you must not do is become angry and upset with them when they are learning life’s lessons. You need to be understanding of them and guide them. Smacking and shouting means that you have gone past the stage of positive child development. You have ‘lost it’.

Being consistent is the key. From the very beginning of their life with you, you should continually spend time with them. The more the better. It is easy to miss the need to constantly show them how happy you are when they are acting in an acceptable way.

Because they are not causing you any problems there is a tendency to leave them alone. Wrong! You need to show them even more attention. If you don’t, they will quickly learn that the best way to get your attention is to act in an un-acceptable way.

“Children’s behaviour sometimes requires more serious attention. But, that doesn’t have to include actions that are hurtful, such as hitting, humiliating or yelling. Effective discipline only has to give children the message that their behaviour was a problem. If a negative consequence is used, it should be so light that it can be used several times a day without causing harm.” (Off Road Parenting, Pacifici Chamberlain and White)

Remember...

  • Be consistent with your approach
  • Keep talking to your child especially when they are being good
  • Don’t wait until the behaviour deteriorates to the point that you become angry
  • Use your body language to show approval. Smile, show your happiness
  • Enjoy being a parent

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Better Parenting with Triple P

"One of the most important tasks of parenthood is helping children learn to deal with their emotions. All children experience periods of stress in their lives and need emotional skills to deal with it. Children's emotional resilience, or ability to cope with their feelings, is important to their long-term happiness, wellbeing and succcess in life." (Triple P Positive Parenting Program)

More Information

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